South Hellmouth
by D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Summary: Episode 1.2-Broody Poofs--Mrs. Walsh tries to recruit people for the Initiative, and Spike's mum gets turned by a vampire.
1. Goin' Down to Hellmouth

A/N: This story is a direct result of my obsessive nature, my twisted sense of humor, the indisputable fact that Nicholas Brendon and James Marsters are a lot cuter than David Boreanz (don't argue, now, you all know that it's true); and reading the words "brooding pouf" too many times.  
  
Starts out kind of serious (okay, so I'm going for stereotypical Buffyfic at first...details, details), then all goes insane.  
  
****  
  
"South Hellmouth"  
  
a buffy the vampire slayer.south park fusion  
  
Episode 1.1-Goin' Down to Hellmouth  
  
It was just another night in Sunnydale.  
  
While out on patrol, Buffy and Xander had discovered a group of fledgling vampires in the park. Xander was holding his own with a third of the group, leaving the remaining eight in the capable hands of the Slayer.  
  
One of the fledglings lunged at her, and Buffy leaped back. A slight miscalculation had her landing with one foot on the desiccated corpse of one of the vampires' victims. She lashed out with the stake she held, dusting her attacker. The three fledglings that were left sensed that Buffy was slightly vulnerable and all attacked at once.  
  
She managed to stake one before falling, badly twisting her ankle in the process. She lashed out and caught another in the chest, flinging him away. The final vampire avoided her blows and closed in for the kill...  
  
Suddenly, there was a short shriek of agony and the whirl of dust. Buffy blinked to clear her vision and saw Willow holding out a hand to her, a stake clenched in the other. "You okay, Buffy?"  
  
"Yeah, where's Xand--"  
  
"Present and accounted for," Xander spoke up. "Got a hand from the bleached wonder over there." He jerked his head to the left, indicating Spike, who was behind him. Spike scowled,  
  
"I just saved your ass, whelp, least you could do is show some gratitude."  
  
"No, the least I could do is completely ignore you, Peroxide Boy."  
  
"Oh, and I'm *so* glad that you aren't. Wanker."   
  
Buffy just rolled her eyes at the banter and accepted Willow's hand. The redheaded witch pulled her to her feet. "We've got more trouble, you know."  
  
"I am so unsurprised," Buffy dusted herself off. "Ick, vampy dust. So, what the problem?"  
  
"Short version? Demon, talisman, ritual, big chaos." Willow laughed, "Never changes, huh?"  
  
****  
  
"Okay, give me the long version, Giles." Buffy said as the four patrollers walked into the Magic Box.   
  
Giles looked up from a dusty old tome. "What?"  
  
"Willow told me the short version of More Trouble. Now, what kind of demon, what kind of talisman, what ritual? And would this ritual involve any sacrificing of the innocents, virgins, or mass-suicide from a throng of devotees?"  
  
"Ah." Giles removed his glasses and gave them a quick polish as he spoke, "Well, a Kenos Hringen demon has gotten a hold of the Nornir Shears. These mystical shears can be used--after a spilling of blood as you guessed, most likely a mass-suicide ritual--to sever the barrier between two dimensions, causing complete chaos in both timelines."  
  
"Didn't we do this before? And didn't it end with Buffy's suicidal plunge off of Crazy Tower?" Xander wondered.  
  
"Not exactly. The two dimensions will combine, but that's all. And the Hellmouth will be sealed here, only to open in another dimension of Earth--where this Kenos Hringen can manifest himself and destroy all of mankind." Giles replied.   
  
Xander looked faintly sick. "Yeah, that's bad too."  
  
"The whelp's a bloody genius!" Spike said sarcastically.  
  
****  
  
"Ew, Spike!" Buffy shouted, hitting the blond vampire on the shoulder, "Stop that!"  
  
Spike glanced at Buffy longingly, "She killed herself, luv. An' look at all this yummy blood..." he murmured, cupping his hand at her belly so that the crimson fluid would pool in his palm. Buffy smacked him again, harder this time. He reluctantly dropped the recently deceased fanatic, contenting himself with licking his hands clean while grumbling, "Can't stop it now; bet they're all dead a'ready..."  
  
As if proving him correct, the sky darkened and the ground began to shake. Typical apocalyptic crap.   
  
"And there goes the neighborhood," was the last thing that Buffy heard before everything went black.  
  
****  
  
"Ms. Summers! Ms. Summers! ...Will someone please wake Ms. Summers up?"   
  
Buffy groaned and opened her eyes. On her left, an unseen hand gave her a rough shake. "Wake up, Buffy!" Willow said.   
  
"What--what's going on?" Buffy tried to ask, but her voice was muffled somehow, and sounded more like, "Mmh--mm mh-hmm?"  
  
"I think that students who sleep in class should be punished, don't you, Mrs. Sock?" Buffy blinked several times. Mrs. Walsh was standing in front of her with a sock-puppet on her left hand. Mrs. Walsh moved the puppet's mouth and replied--unsuccessfully trying not to move her lips--in a high falsetto, "I think so, Mrs. Walsh! Let's give her a detention!"  
  
"Oh, get stuffed, you stupid bint..."   
  
Buffy twisted around in her seat to see Spike sitting behind her and scowling at Mrs. Walsh, a splash of bright spring sunlight falling on him. And he wasn't melting or disintegrating into dust or anything! "Mmh mh MHH?! (What the fuck?!)" She exclaimed.   
  
"Face front, Ms. Summers! Or I will give you another detention!" Mrs. Walsh scolded.  
  
"Dude, why are you picking on Buffy?" Xander spoke up, "Her family's like, on welfare and food stamps and stuff."  
  
"You're a Jew, that doesn't stop me from picking on you, Xander." Spike growled.  
  
"Don't belittle my people, albino!"  
  
With growing terror, Buffy stared wildly around the room. She dimly recognized the brightly-colored, almost primitive look of the place...running to the window, Buffy caught a glimpse of the town's welcome sign. Instead of 'Sunnydale,' the plain wooden sign read: 'South Hellmouth.'  
  
Her universe had combined with the world of South Park.  
  
Xander adjusted the earflaps of his green winter cap and asked Willow, "What's up with the Buffster?"  
  
Willow stared at the screaming girl in the orange overcoat with concern. "I have no idea."  
  
****  
  
After serving her detention after school, Buffy found Willow, Xander, and Spike waiting for her. She pointed at Spike and demanded, "Mnnm! Mm-mhm-hmh hmm-hm mhm mmmh?"  
  
Willow patted Buffy's shoulder, "Buffy, why would Spike be bursting into flames?"  
  
Buffy glared at the redhead in indignation. "Mmhmh hhm mm-hmmhmmh!"  
  
"A vampire?" Xander grinned. "Wouldn't have to put up with him then, huh? Just force-feed him some garlic or something."  
  
Spike gave Xander a shove. "Ha bloody ha, Jew boy." To Buffy, he said, "You are such a loser, Buffy. Do I /look/ like a vampire?"  
  
Willow cocked her head to one side. "Well, you are kinda pasty-pale, and those teeth of yours are pretty sharp..."  
  
"Not to mention that you have the cheekbones from Hell, Spike." Xander chipped in.  
  
"Fuck you, kike."  
  
"Don't call me that, you prejudiced bastard!"  
  
"Oh, fine! Gang up on the Brit! Vampire...honestly..." Spike scowled and patted his duster for a carton of cigarettes and his lighter. Once he'd found them and lit up, he sneered at the other three and said, "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home..."  
  
"Mnnm!" Buffy protested, running after him.   
  
She never saw the truck coming.  
  
****  
  
Willow screamed in horror. She was frozen at the sight of the bloody mess that had once been Buffy Summers. "Oh my god, they killed Buffy!"  
  
"You bastards!" Xander cried.  
  
END 


	2. Broody Poofs

A/N: Erk. I think that all the Buffy-fic plots manifest themselves as hyenas...cos they're a heck of a lot more insistent that the usual plot bunny. Or maybe it's just because Anya is frightened of bunnies that they have to manifest themselves as something else. Anyway. This one was threatening to eat the Bash Brothers if I didn't write it up. Stupid plot hyena. ::kicks:: ::gets bitten:: ::hobbles off with only one foot::  
  
****  
  
"South Hellmouth"  
  
a buffy the vampire slayer.south park fusion  
  
Episode 1.2 - Broody Poufs  
  
It was another bright sunshiny morning in South Hellmouth. Children were being yelled at to get out of bed and get ready for school, breakfasts were being cooked, and crypt doors were being sealed shut as dawn approached. Someone had been mauled after insulting a group of Fyoral demons, and quite a few bloodless corpses were found stuffed in the air vents of the Bronze. Nothing unusual.  
  
William 'Spike' the Bloody had been awakened by Mrs. the Bloody--a striking, raven-haired space-case--bouncing up and down on his bed and demanding tea for Miss Edith. Thus, Spike began the day by brewing a pot of tea and cursing his way through a breakfast party of which only two of the ten participants were sentient. If anyone, like that redhaired Wicca or her Jew friend or the destitute mumbly girl Buffy, had seen it, Spike's reputation as the Big Bad Influence of Sunnydale High would have been ruined. Thankfully, no one did, and--with a final reassurance that he indeed loved his mum from eyeballs to entrails--Spike left the house and walked to the bus stop.   
  
When the bleached-blond boy got to the stop, the destitute mumbly girl Buffy and the redhaired Wicca and her Jew friend were already there. Controlling his urge to snarl at the three of them, Spike greeted them with an, "Oi, you guys!"  
  
Buffy and Willow waved at him, but Xander was too preoccupied with what he was telling the girls to give Spike his usual one-fingered salute. The dark-eyed boy was excited about something, and as Spike approached, he heard Xander say, "...and my parents pick him up tomorrow."  
  
"Pick who up?" Spike demanded.  
  
Willow was the one who answered: "Xander's parents are gonna foster this orphan boy named Daniel Osbourne."  
  
"Yeah, I've always been an only child, so it'll be cool to have a temporary brother!" Xander supplemented.   
  
Even though her face could barely be seen, it was clear that Buffy was frowning as she pointed out, "Nnh mm-mhh mmm hhmm!"  
  
"Sure, Buffy, but your little sister is a spaz. I'm pretty sure that Daniel isn't addicted to coffee like Dawn is." Xander argued.   
  
"Think he's related to Ozzy Osbourne?" Spike wondered.   
  
Willow shook her head. "No way. Then he'd be going to live with them."  
  
Spike got a contemplative look on his face. "Yeah, wearing out the censors with f-bombs and helping Ozzy work the remote--my mom tried to program the VCR with a fork once and ended up electrocuting herself back into 1985, just like Michael J. Fox in 'Back to the Future'...I always thought that Lea Thompson was pretty hot." He broke off to see the others staring at him with confusion. "What?"  
  
"Spike," Willow ventured, "What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"I'm just saying that Ozzy Osbourne is fucking awesome, man." Spike explained in a tone that said he thought this fact was obvious enough.  
  
****  
  
"Today," Mrs. Walsh informed the class, "we are going to learn about tolerance."  
  
"And why tolerance is for spineless fudgepacking hippies!" Mrs. Sock screeched shrilly. "Join the Initiative, kids! You get to shoot the lowlife, scum-sucking abominations that have overrun South Hellmouth! Human superiority!"  
  
Buffy groaned. Trust Mrs. Walsh to give a biased lesson on being nice to people.   
  
Xander muttered. "Dude! That's some fucked up shit right there."  
  
****  
  
Mrs. Walsh attempted to brainwash her class into joining the Initiative, but, failing that, had to settle for handing out informative pamphlets for the children to give to their parents. After this, they studied spelling, mathematics, and Hawking's theory on the universe.   
  
Thankfully, before Mrs. Walsh could try again to brainwash the class--this time using the traditional swinging watch-and-chain instead of the newfangled black-and-white swirly disk--it was lunchtime. "Hooray!" the kids all cried, and stampeded out the door.  
  
Instead of going for the lunchroom, however, Buffy wandered over to the library. She was obviously very upset about what Mrs. Walsh had said that morning, because normally, no student except for those on the Honor Roll would be found within a two-hundred yard radius of the card catalogue.  
  
"Hello, Buffy. What seems to be the problem?" The school librarian, Giles, asked once he had gotten over the shock.  
  
"Mhhn hhmmhmh mhm, nhh mhmh mhmhm!" Buffy explained. Giles looked worried.   
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Hmm-mhmhmh!"  
  
Giles became very pale. "I can't believe it. I can't believe that someone hit Ringo Starr with a truck! I mean, he's a Beatle! He's famous! Not as famous as Paul or John, granted, but--"  
  
"MMGGHH!" Buffy shouted. "Mm-hn Hhmm mhmhm hm Hmmhnnh! Hmmhnnh mm!"  
  
"That bitch!" Giles cried, not missing a beat, "If I can't recruit children to the Monty Python Appreciation Society, Mrs. Walsh can't recruit children into the Initiative! I have to take this up with Principal Flutie!"  
  
Buffy groaned. She was the Slayer! But hindered as she was by this stumpy child-body, she needed all the help she could get. And all the help she could get was her Watcher, currently more interested in administration than the staking of vampire hearts; Willow, too busy mooning over Tara to care about anything else; Spike, mysteriously non-vampy but still an asshole; and Xander...who was, well, Xander. Apparently, no one else remembered Sunnydale as it had been.  
  
Frustrated, she made her way back to the cafeteria for a quick lunch.  
  
****  
  
Buffy staggered around the lunchroom, making various strangled choking noises and turning blue in the face. Finally, she passed out in front of the soda machines. Willow ran up to her and felt for a pulse, finding none.  
  
"Oh my god, they killed Buffy!"  
  
Xander cried, "You bastards!"  
  
****  
  
Spike did not want to be out tonight. It was cold and rainy and he was missing the syndicated episode of 'Passions' on the Soap Opera Network! Damn Mrs. the Bloody and her craving for pickles and butterscoth pudding.  
  
As Spike entered the 24-hour convenience store, he was followed by a mysterious stranger. This mysterious stranger followed him to the pudding section and murmured, "Hello there!"  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Spike snapped, too busy debating whether to buy the instant pudding or the pre-made pudding cups to turn around and punch the mysterious stranger in the face.  
  
"I'm Big Gay Angel!" the mysterious stranger announced.   
  
Spike turned around and punched Big Gay Angel in the face.  
  
****  
  
Hurrying home two minutes later with a jar of Vlasic pickles, five packages of Handi-Snacks pudding, and a bag of Broody Poofs (Spike's favorite snack) Spike wondered why the hell somebody called Big Gay Angel had followed him. He also wondered why he had felt such a sense of savage joy at smashing the pouf's nose in--usually, punching someone in the face only yielded a feeling of satisfaction from Spike.   
  
Once Spike entered the the Bloody house, he knew that something was wrong. Mrs. the Bloody was sitting on the couch watching 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'  
  
"Mum, 'The Powerpuff Girls' are on now. I thought you liked that show." Spike said gently, setting down the grocery bags and picking up the remote.  
  
"Don't be silly, darling," Mrs. the Bloody said, "A happy celestial being has come down from the stars for a visit, and we have to keep him entertained."  
  
"What does that mean?" Spike demanded.  
  
"He's in the kitchen." Mrs. the Bloody replied, surprisingly straightforward.  
  
Staring at his mother in concern, Spike gathered up the groceries and went into the kitchen.   
  
"You! What the fuck are you doing here?" Spike shouted at Big Gay Angel.  
  
"Your mommy invited me in! She's positively delightful, Spike!" Big Gay Angel explained cheerfully.  
  
"No, I mean, what do you want with me?"  
  
Big Gay Angel wagged his finger scoldingly at Spike, "Now, now, that's cheating! But I'd suggest that you make sure Mommy Dearest stays out of the sun, doesn't cook Italian food, and stops going to church."  
  
Spike backed away from Big Gay Angel. Buffy had thought Spike was a vampire...a vampire shows up at Spike's house and turns Drusilla...Buffy knew something important. There was a crucifix hanging over the kitchen doorway, but Spike didn't know how to get to it before the vampire noticed...  
  
"Spike, where's my pudding and pickles?"  
  
Big Gay Angel picked up the grocery bag with the pudding and pickles and flounced away into the living room. "There you go, Dru!" He said chirpily.  
  
Spike immediately jumped onto a chair and wrenched the crucifix from the wall. "Okay, you bastard, out now!" He yelled, running into the living room and pressing the cross against Big Gay Angel's face.   
  
Big Gay Angel howled in pain and screeched, "My face! Owwwie! Do you know how much concealer it will take to cover up these burns?!"  
  
"Poor you!" Spike snarled. He kicked Big Gay Angel in the family jewels and shoved the pink-clad vampire out the front door.   
  
"Mmm, Spike honey, d'you want some pickles?"  
  
END 


End file.
